Mozzarella, Linguine, Alfredo, BRAAVOS!

WELCOME TO BRAAVOS, YOU GUYS! Season 5, Episode 2 of Game of Thrones begins with everyone's favorite angsty teenage assassin, Arya Stark, finally arriving in Braavos (AKA, Italy) via ship. She's chattin' it up with a Braavosi (Italian) dude aboard the U.S.S. Rocky Balboa. Arya looks up at a big statue that appears to be the Trojan Man's generic cousin, "Lifestyles Man."

Did I finally make it to Hot Topic?

"Back in the day, whenever Braavos was in danger, the Titan would wade out to sea and smash Braavos' enemies into the water," Italian guy told her. We will call him Mario. And we'll assume he works in a Deli. Arya points out that this is just a statue and cannot come to life. They hear a loud Survivor-digeridoo noise, which signals their arrival. Mario tells her not to be afraid. "I'm NOT afraid," she says. Just in case you weren't aware that Arya isn't an innocent, scared little girl anymore, you have now been reminded.

Sail between my legs to enter....upskirt shots are allowed by day, but no flash photography at night.

Mario takes her into the city, which looks an awful lot like Renaissance-era Venice. They row up to the House of Black and White. "This is where you will find the man you seek," Mario tells her. She thanks him for helping her get there, and he says that any Italian man would have done the same. Arya approaches the House, AKA Big-Ass Intimidating Building, and knocks on the door.

"That's a 'uge bitch!"

Nobody answers. She knocks what feels like three times, and asks, "Penny?" like she's Sheldon Cooper. On the third knock, Penny answers. Except that it's not Penny, it's an elderly black man who is definitely NOT amused. He stares at her.

He was waiting on her at the doe.

"Valar morghulis," Arya says, hoping that's the secret password and that she will then be able to enter. He's still unamused.

Girl, it's still a no.

"Here," she says, shuffling through her Fanny Pack and pulling out the coin Jaqen H'ghar gave her. The man gives her a long, suspicious glance up and down. He kind of reminds me of the original Harriet Winslow from Family Matters. He throws the coin back at her while simultaneously throwing some serious attitude her way. "No one here by that name."

What am I gonna do with that coin? This is Braavos, not West Winterfell...go buy yourself a corndog.

"Please," Arya begs, "I've crossed the narrow sea and I have nowhere else to go." He tells her that she has EVERYWHERE else to go. So sassy. Then he slams in the door in her face. Exasperated, Arya sighs and angstily sits on the steps of house. She stays there overnight, and recites her kill list, which has changed a lot because the producers of the show totally dropped a lot of the storylines.

"Cersei. Walder Frey. The Mountain. Meryn Trant. " <--Yes, it's only four people now. Two of which we can pretty much assume she is NOT going to kill....but I digress. She repeats this list a million times, the sun comes up, and then she throws her coin in the ocean.

Fuck this.

CUT SCENE....and let's go check in on Brienne and Pod, who are just trudging along on the Oregon Trail. They hongry, so they go find a Denny's that serves ale. But, OH SHIT! Littlefinger and Sansa are in that same Denny's! Don't you hate when you look kinda rough after a drunken night at the club, and you run into people you know while you're recovering from a hangover at Denny's? Ugh. I hate that, too.

Yeah, I wanna get the Grand Slam with two slices of bacon, no sausage. My sausage is sufficient. HEY-O!

"Before we left, you got a Raven," Sansa is telling Littlefinger, as they sit in the booth together.

"Well, I am impressed you noticed that. I thought I slid it up into my sleeve pretty discreetly, I used to be a blackjack dealer, you know," he said, smugly. They start chatting about his "marriage proposal" that has been accepted, when Sansa asks for some ale, and Pod notices her. He tells Brienne to look at them.

That's THEM, that's TOTALLY them, gurl!

"OMG, Brienne look...but DON'T be so obvious! It's Sansa and she's with PETYR BAELISH...and they have like, a ton of knights with them, like 10." Brienne doesn't give a fuck though. She goes up to Littlefinger and introduces herself.

"I've already met you, bitch," Littlefinger says. "Remember, back at Renly's crib? He said your loyalty came free of charge. But obvz, someone's paid you quite a bit for it since then..." SO MUCH SHADE.

Brienne doesn't even care, she's on a mission. She gets on one knee and offers her services to Sansa, because she promised her mom, Catelyn, that she would find Sansa and protect her.

My lady.....I offer you my sword....

Littlefinger jumps in and tell her to chill. He points out that she was accused of murdering Renly. Brienne is like, "No, boi...I tried to save his ass! People always be speadin rumors when they didn't see shit. It was totally a shadow with the face of Stannis that did it, straight up!"

Everybody gives her the side-eye, which is expected. She sounds like a loon. "Look, you were sworn to protect Renly- you FAILED. You swore to protect Catelyn- you FAILED. Why the hell would I want someone like you protecting Lady Sansa? You'za gotdamn failure," Littlefinger tells her. OUCH.

I'm actin' kinda boojy now with my emo/scene clothes. I can probably get backstage at the next Fall Out Boy concert.

"Why should you have any say in her affairs?" Brienne asks, getting snappy. Petyr explains that he's now Sansa's Creepy Pervert Uncle. He's family, and Brienne is an outsider. Brienne asks to speak to Sansa alone. and gets shot down real quick-like.

I get what I want.

"I saw you bowing to Joffrey at his wedding," she states. Brienne tells Sansa that neither of them wanted to be there, and that sometimes you don't have a choice. Sansa tells her "well, sometimes you do." Kind of a lame thing to say back, but whatever. Petyr asks Brienne to stay, which I'm assuming means to take her captive or something, because she leaves and goes BUCK WILD outside in the Denny's parking lot.

Brienne lets all the horses out, and grabs Pod. She starts fighting Littlefinger's knights left and right.

She mad as hell.

Brienne and Pod get seperated, Pod can't ride a horse. He falls off into the water and busts his azz. He picks up a rock and throw it at a knight, and misses. He's like the Michael Cera of Westeros, just so awkward. Brienne saves him, of course. She comes along and stabs an enemy in the throat/head. So sweet.

OH DAYUM!

Pod tells Brienne that since both Stark girls have refused her service, she's probably released from her vow. Brienne ain't having that. She doesn't believe that Sansa is safe with Pedofinger, so she says that they will follow (stalk) her.

Back at King's Landing, Cersei and Jaime are having a conversation. Cersei has this weird David Blaine magic box on the table. Jaime starts fucking with it, and gets it open. There's a fake snake inside with a necklace in it's mouth. Cersei tells Jaime that there are only two necklaces like that in the whole world- one that she has on, and one that she gave Myrcella, their daughter. Cersei says this is a threat, and she's pissed as all hell, screaming about burning Dorne to the ground.

Cersei has bad taste in jewelry.

Jaime tells her to keep it down, because everyone is gonna hear her say "our daughter," and find out about the whole incest thing. (Which, everyone knows about pretty much anyway, it's kind of what sent the entire realm to war.) Cersei tells him, "Well, don't call her your daughter, then- you've never been a father to her anyway."

Jaime says that if he were to be a father to any of his kids, they would be stoned in the street. Cersei is mad and argues that it wouldn't have mattered if the whole world knew, because Joffery was murdered, Myrcella was shipped off to Dorne, and Tommen is set to marry "that smirking whore from Highgarden." (LOL)

Smirk, Smirk, Mother-In-Law....

Jaime tells her that he is going to make things right...he is going to go to Dorne and bring their daughter home. Cersei says, "You can't just ask Prince Doran to give her back, she is promised to his son." Jaime said he's not going to ask the Prince anything. "So you're going to Dorne- a one-handed man- alone." she states, rolling her eyes.

"Never said I was going alone," Jaime replies.

Meanwhile, we see Bronn and his new soon-to-be wife, Lollys, discussing wedding plans and her rude-ass sister, who Bronn is already making internal plans to kill so he can have her castle. They see Jaime off in the distance. "Who's that?" Lollys asks. We see Jaime turn around like he's a Land's End male model. "Jaime-Fucking-Lannister," Bronn answers.

Jaime introduces himself to Lollys, and she smiles and blushes, because he's just so damn beautiful. Bronn tells her to get lost, and ask Jaime wtf he is doing there. "This little visit can't be good for me," he says. Jaime tells him it is VERY good. He's going to come with him to do something important, and when he returns, he'll get a much better girl and a much better castle. They're going to Dorne.

SCENE CHANGE! Over in Dorne (Egypt), Ellaria Sand is clenching her fist and still angry as fuck about Oberyn's death. Even though she's pissed, she still looks stylish and fashionable in her snake bracelet and geometic accessories. She glares at Myrcella and her fiance, who are out walking around in the courtyard.

So fierce. They totally need to carry these at Forever 21.

Ellaria goes to try and see Prince Doran, but she's stopped by Aero Hotah, one of the only black people in Game of Thrones, who happens to work as a Security Guard. He tells her that the Prince doesn't want to be disturbed, and she threatened to take his long-ass axe and shove it up his ass. Doran says to just let her in. We see now that Doran is in a wheelchair.

"Your brother was murdered and you sit here on your ass- doing nothing," she scolds him. Doran tells her that since Oberyn was killed in a trial by combat, that's not legally considered murder and there's nothing he can do about it by law.

So pretty!

Ellaria tells him that the whole country would go to war to avenge Oberyn, to which Doran replies that it's good the whole country does not decide. She tells him that the Sand Snakes are with her. and that they will avenge their father's death. She is really fucking pissed that Myrcella is there "eating their food and breathing their air," and wants to send her back to Cersei "one piece at a time."

Doran tells her that they don't mutilate little girls there in Dorne, at least not while he rules. "And how long with that be?" Ellaria asks angrily, walking away.

Next we go see what's up Dany and her crew in Mereen. Daario is telling Greyworm that the Unsullied fight like the Brits during the American Revolution, and that the Sons of the Harpy fight like Americans...hiding around and being incognito and shit. Since the Unsullied don't fear NOT A DAMN thang, they don't really know what it means to hide. Daario blasts his hand through the wall and does some David Copperfield magic moves, discovering a hidden Son of the Harpy in the wall. "Fear is useful that way," he explains.

Next we have Dany meeting with her council. Ugh, I am getting SO BORED of Dany's council and listening to all of these stupid guys yap at her. (Except Ser Barristan Selmy, that is.) Spokesman of Former Slaves says that the Sons of the Harpy dude that Daario and Greyworm caught should be killed, because they want slavery back. Ser Barristan says Dany should exercise restraint and give him a fair trial. Haldar Van Der Slut also says some shit, but nobody cares. Former Slave says that these people only know blood.

Dany excuses the council and Ser Barristan asks to speak with her privately. He tells her that her father was insane in the membrane, and burned people alive with Wildfyre, laughing at their deaths. Each time he gave his enemies what he thought they deserved, and it made him feel more powerfu-, right up until the very end. Dany agrees to give the Son of the Harpy a trial, because she's totally not her dad.

Look here bitch, I can see you're losing it. STAHP before you go nutz.

FAST FORWARD to Tyrion and Varys on the road in a caravan. I'm already excited about this scene because it involves my favorite king in the 7 Kingdoms...THE SHADE KING, Varys.

Varys is annoyed at Tyrion because he's drunk as a skunk and keeps talking about how everything is shit and everything is pointless in life. He tries to slip him some Prozac into his wine. "Are we really going to spend the whole Road to Valantas talking about the futility of everything?" he asks, rolling his eyes. "You're right, it's pointless," Tyrion replies.

Varys tells Tyrion that he actually was not a terrible ruler when he briefly acted as such back in King's Landing. Tyrion laments Shae asking him to leave the captial, and then gets on his Walter White swag and admits he likes having power, and that's why he didn't leave.

"They will never follow US," Varys says to Tyrion. "They find us repulsive."

"I find us repulsive," Tyrion admits.

"And we find THEM repulsive. Which is why we surround ourselves with large, comfortable boxes to keep them away. And yet...no matter what we do...people like you and me are never really satisfied inside the box," Varys explains. "Not for long."

"You're right," Tyrion agrees. "Let's go for a walk." Varys insists that is NOT a good idea, as Cersei still has a bounty on his dead, but Tyrion isn't too concerned, as there are tons of the dwarves in the world, and she isn't just going to kill them all.

OVER IN KING'S LANDING...we see a dead dwarf head that looks similar to Tyrion, but not quite. "Not him," Cersei determines. Maester Frankenstein asks if he can keep the head for his work, Cersei agrees. Cersei goes to meet with the King's council on behalf of her son, whom she says she will be advising until he is old enough to pick a Hand for himself. She appoints Mace Tyrell's ramblin' dumb ass as Master of Coin. Then, she names Qyburn (Frankenstein) the new Master of Whispers. Old Pervert Pycelle is pissed. Cersei turns to Uncle Kevan and wants to name him Master of War, but he wants to hear it from the King himself.

"You're the Queen Bee. Fuckin' Regina George, and I feel personally victimized by you."

Uncle Kev is not having this bullshit anymore. He tells Cersei that he is not here to be a puppet, and that he thinks that she manipulated her own brother into going away (basically accusing her of making up the whole threat to Myrcella.) He lays into her and shows her what's up- saying that he doesn't recognize her authority, and that he is going back to Casterly Rock. If the King wants him, the King can come get him. Humph!!

I'll cut you.

BACK AT CASTLE BLACK....Gilly is learning how to read from Shireen. It's cute. Shireen says she will for sure be able to teach her because she taught Davos, and he's old...and you know how old people can rarely learn anything. Sam and Gilly bicker a little and it's kind of adorabe.

Shireen tells Gilly that she learned to read when she was 3 years old because she was locked away due to her Greyscale. Gilly tells her about two of her sisters that had Greyscale, and that they died...ended up being chained up like animals, and she implied that they had to be "put down." YIKES.

I really don't wanna hear this shit.

Selyse walks in and interrupts their reading session. Gilly and Sam leave. Selyse tells Shireen that she can't talk to Gilly, because she's a Wildling and all Wildlings hate Stannis and want him dead, since he killed Mance. They could strike at him by striking at her. Shireen said that Gilly isn't like that. Her bitchy-ass mom says, "You really have NO IDEAAAA what people will do. All your books- and you still don't know." UGH, such a negative Nancy.

Stannis is gettin' on to Jon Snow in the other room. He tells Jon, "Um...I was supposed to burn Mance alive and you totally shot him with an arrow, so... you made me look kinda horrible." He tells him to ask Davos what happens to law-breakers.

What did five nubs say to the face? SLAPPPP!

Stannis tells Jon that if he shows too much mercy or kindness, people won't fear him, and then they won't follow him. It's here that I remember that Stannis is such a stone cold fox. IDK, I can't help it.

Jon tells Stannis that the free folk ain't never gonna follow him anyway, because he burned their king alive. They will only follow one of their own.

Stannis then shows Jon a letter he recieved from Bear Island, where Jorah's cousin/former Lord Commander Mormont's neice (also possibly the BEAR Tormund slept with, some theorize) wrote that they only king Bear Island will recoginze is the King in the North, STARK. Jon is amused. Stannis tells Jon that if he stays here with the Night's Watch, Ser Allliser Thorne is going to make his life a living hell. Stannis wants to reward Jon for his bravery and give him Winterfell, in turn, giving himself the North. He offers to make Jon a STARK and no longer a bastard!!

Jon tells Sam about the offer, and decides that he's going to refuse it. If he doesn't take his own word seriously after he made a vow, no one else will. The Night's Watch bros all sit down together, and are going to vote for their new Lord Commander. Naturally, the first person nominated is Ser Alliser Thorne. Another dude gets nominated, Ser Dennis Mallister. Measter Aemon wants to begin voting, but at the last second, my boy Samwell Tarly steps up to speak.

A smartass dude (I think his name is Splint or Flint), starts making fun of Sam. "Sam the slayer," he laughs. "Another wildling lover like his friend Jon Snow. How's your lady love, Slayer?"

"Her name is Gilly," Sam replies, "and you know her quite well- you cowered together, hiding your asses during the Battle for the Wall. A wildling girl, a baby, and Lord Janis." GOT EEEEEEM! (Also, we figure out that guy's name is Lord Janis.)

"I found him there after the battle was over, in a puddle of his own making," he continues. God, I fucking love Sam. "Whilst Lord Janis was hiding with the women and children, Jon Snow was leading." The following monologue then took place. I really think Sam should write campaign speeches for Frank Underwood or something. He's awesome.

Ser Alliser then gets up and tells everyone that they should choose him, not Jon, because he's fought the wildlings all his life- while Jon just makes love to them. OUCH! Nobody says shit. It's time to vote.

My name is Simon, I like to do drawwwerings....

The votes are in. It's a gottdamn tie between Jon and Ser Alliser. Maester Aemon will get to break the tie. He votes...... for JON. HOOOOORAY! Everyone cheers, except Alliser and his crew, of course. People start chanting, "Snow! Snow! Snow! Snow!" Jon, Sam, Olly Olly Oxen-free, and everyone else is happy.

998th Commander of the Night's Watch. I just had to put this photo here, because....dayyyum.

Back in Italy, we see Arya cut the head off of a pigeon with Needle. GROSS. Someone call PETA. Some dudes ask her what she's got there. They want to steal her pigeon. I guess this place is hood- Italy (Kind of like Fleabottom is to King's Landing)...and everybody be HANGRY. Arya pulls out her sword and tells them to back the fuck off. The dudes are all, "Ooh, nice sword, that shit is worth 100 pigeons! We gon' rob you." They pull out some knives. Scurvy knaves, they are.

Guy Harriet from Family Matters appears behind Arya, gives the guys the LOOK, and the boys run away.

Chile, no.

I said no, Carl.

Better get your shit together, Carl.

I'm not playin' with you no more...

Boi, BYE.

Arya follows the unamused Harriet guy, and asks him "Who are you? Why are they scared of you?!" He throws her a coin. It's the same coin she threw into the ocean previously. "You lost this," he says. He pulls a straight Michael Jackson move- and transforms from a black man to a white man.

SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER!

It doesn't matter if you're black or white!

It's Jaqen H'ghar! Well, not exactly, because a man is not Jaqen H'ghar. A man is No One. So, it's just No One. And that is who a girl must become. He lets her into the House of Black and White.

Back in Mereen, Former Slave decided to take matters into his own hands and send everyone a message by killing the Son of the Harpy and displaying him for all to see.

Better buy a Sham-Wow and get those blood stains off the cinderblocks.

Dany asks him why the hell he did that. He says that he did it for her, that the Sons of the Harpy would rather tear the city apart than have slaves lifted from the dirt. Dany tells him that there are no more slaves and masters, and that the Son of the Harpy was not his life to take...he was awaiting trial. "Masters used to be the law," she says. "But now YOU Are the law!" he replies.

"No, bitch..the LAW is the LAW." Daenerys can be badass sometimes.

Gonna have to kill you now, bitch.

They take Former Slave and march him into the city. Everyone is shouting "MHYSA" still, and grabbing out at Dany like she's Lady Gaga and they're Gaga's Little Monsters. "MHYSA, MHYSA!" Ugh, I cannot STAND the people of Mereen. Soundin' like the damn Little Cesar's dude mixed with Jar Jar Binks with all that MHYSA bullshit.

Pizza, Pizza!

"She should have just cut off the traitor's head in the great pyramid and been done with it," Halzar Van der Slut says.

"That's what I keep telling her to do to you!" Daario retorts. BOOM. So many good one-liners and BURNS this episode.

Dany tells the crowds that she promised everyone freedom and justice, and that one can't exist without the other.

"MEESA DON'T WANT TO DIE!" Former Slave begs. He wants mercy, but Dany sentences him to death anyway. I give absolutely no fucks about his annoying ass, so for once, I am with Dany on her decision here. Daario does the honors and beheads the guy with his pirate sword. The crowd falls completely silent.

All hell is about to break loose.

Then, all the former slaves start hissing like snakes at Dany. SO WEIRD. One pulls a Podrick and picks up a rock, and throws it at the Former Masters. Daenerys hauls ass outta there while the Unsullied create a sheild-force-field around her, and also try to keep the two halves of the city from killing each other the best they can.

In her room, back home in the great pyramid, she tells everyone to leave her be. She goes outside on the balcony to get her mind right.

Lo and behold...DROGON appears!

Dany looks so happy to see him. He is cooing and acting like a cute baby big-ass dragon. She reaches up, almost touching his snout and petting him.

...but he flies away.

Daenerys looks out sadly over the city of Mereen. :(

What did you think of this episode? Are you glad Jon is now the Night's Watch Commander? Do you feel for Dany, or does she just suck as a ruler and you have no more sympathy for her? Are you TEAM STANNIS yet? Were you impressed with No One's face-change? Do Brienne and Pod still interest you, or are you bored? Let us know!

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