Jur-ASS-kick World Trailer: Fun Times! Destruction! Raptors!
- Dolly Shartin
- Apr 22, 2015
- 7 min read
Well, GOTDAYYUM! These past couple of days have bombarded us with movie trailers, but I think my absolute favorite so far is the cheese-tastic trailer for Jurassic World, AKA "OMG DESTRUCTION WHY HAVEN'T THESE PEOPLE LEARNED BY NOW THAT THIS PLACE IS A BAD IDEA?!?" Watch it below if you haven't already seen it before we do our thang and BREAK IT DOWN for ya :)
First of all, I know that 90's kids have been waiting anxiously for this film, as we have an embedded soft spot for Steven Spielberg and his classics. This trailer doesn't dissapoint- it's a throwback to the original Jurassic Park (not the shitty sequels) but with way better special effects. I'm definitely going to see it, I'm hoping it has an amazing soudtrack like the original, and I'm even probably going to buy the all toys and shit. Dinosaurs are fucking cool, and the movie looks cool, too. But it undoubetdly looks very forumalic and cheesy, as far as action-movies go, so just know I'm only making fun of it out of love!
Fucking asshole, I still can't believe you killed that beautiful beast.
We begin with an aerial shot of Jurassic Park. This place is STILL here on that damn island, and we humans are dumb as hell apparently, still trying to fuck around and play Kanye...er, God. We zoom in to the Raptor-Training Arena, where Chris Pratt is coaching the Raptors, who are currently the highest ranking team in the Atlantic Division of the Eastern Conference.
If you guys wanna win the Eastern Conference finals this year, you have GOT to get your shit together.
"It's not about control," Andy Dwyer explains as he tells a raptor to stand down, "it's a relatonship based on respect. These animals are thinking, 'I gotta eat,'" he carefully observes.
Look, I've been studying these things for years, and I've come to the conclusion that they eat food.
Chris tells his lady friend that they gotta eat, they gotta hunt, and they....::::he makes a fisting motion where he's like, sticking something inside of something else:::: "I gotta be able to relate to at least one of those things!" Lady friend roles her eyes. Was that a gay sex joke? We get an aerial view of the theme park now, which supposedly has been running well for ten years. Who knew?
Nipple Tent is just Jurassic Park's version of Animal Kingdom's "Tree of Life."
"Everytime we unveil a new attraction, attendance has spiked," Bryce Dallas Howard (BDH) says. Attendance has been declining, so she wants to bump that shit up. $Dolla, dolla bill y'all!$ We are treated to a bunch of quick shots of the park's "attractions."
They have the Safari Dino Sprinting Tour.
Occasionally the Jeep mows down a dino, but the park just writes that off as a depreciation cost.
They have a big log you can go walk inside while you watch goats get brutually ripped to shreds and eaten by a carnivore.
This is payback for all of those screaming goat compilation videos.
They have an underwater aquarium, where they hold Megalodons or Mosasaurs or some shit. IDK what they're called, but they're big as fuck and eat sharks.
Hay. Wuzzup.
The audience, of course, eats this kind of shit up. Who doesn't love to watch a big animal eat a smaller animal? NOBODY, that's who. They audience laughs and takes photos, because that's totally not morbid, and one kid says "That was AWWWWSUM."
Sick Fucks. Social commentary on Sea World, right here.
"Corporate felt genetic modifcation would up the wow factor," BDH says. We see a bunch of eggs in a lab, then cut to some kids in a hamster ball, rolling around with Stegasauruses. Stegasauri? Whatever.
Image taken from Season 5 of ABC's 'WIPEOUT.'
"They're dinosaurs- that's WOW enough," Chris says, annoyed. Then we get a close up of a DINOSAUR EYEBALL. Ohhhhh shit!
Does this intimidate you? It did in the other 3 movies, we're hoping it still does now.
A Scientist man appears, and tells Chris "She was designed to be bigger than a T-Rex," referring to the big eyeball dinosaur. Chris rubs his hand over scratch marks that are all over a 40-foot wall, which the XL T-Rex Bitch has escaped from. He asks BDH what happened to the sibling of this big-ass dinosaur, to which she replies, "She ate it." GULP.
We then get a very dramatic shot of Chris with a random worker, looking terrified. We see Chris running at the LAST SECOND, trying to get through a concrete door that is about to close. OMG HURRY UP! Will he make it?!?! Or will it close before he gets there? Will it close ON him?!? I DONT KNOW!
Maybe he should try sliding through the crack, I've heard from 129381209 other movies that helps.
STEVEN SPIELBERG PRESENTS.....Next we see a ton of action shots. People running around, going nuts. Horrified mass destruction type of shit. "We have an asset out of containment!" BDH alerts someone over the phone. No shit.
Dude up front, in the white, wants OUT of there; He doesn't wanna be this movie's Samuel L. Jackson!
We see Korean-Japanese actor Brian Tee, who was also in the shittiest Fast & Furious film, Tokyo Drift. His career is taking off and he's now leading a team of gaurds to go and see what's up with this XL T-Rex in Jurassic World! Yeah, go Brian!
He hears a beeping sound, and Chris tells BDH that the noise is the dinosaur's tracking device. Brian looks down and picks up a huge hunk o' dino meat. Ew. The dino chewed out her own tracking device because she remembered where they put it inside of her. Lawd have mercy!
Welp, see ya, Brian.
Brian looks up and a drop of CGI blood falls on his watch. Awwwe, shit. Dino is here. SPOILER ALERT!!!! She eats Brian. Well, maybe not...but she definitely grabs him by the head and drags him through the jungle soooo.....I'll just leave that there.
In a shocking twist, a minority dies in an American film.
We see a bunch of dead leaf-eaters. :( These are probably Brachiasauruses (Brachiasauri? I am not a palentologist, okay?) BDH gasps. "Oh God," she says. "She's killing for sport," Chris tells her.
This is sad. Sadder than Brian, probably.
In true Jurassic Park form, we see the two kids from the hamster ball trapped inside, and a big Dino toenail poke through the top of it at them. They scream. I wonder if the protagonist will end up saving them...has that ever happened before?
LOLOLOLOL.
THIS JUNE....A douchey guy appears and talks to Chris. "You got 20,000 people, you don't have enough boats, you don't have enough guns..."
"If we do this, we do this MY WAY," Chris tells him.
My money's on number 4, "Chris Bosh!" ...and Chris Bosh takes the LEADDDDD!
This is a job for Burt Macklin, FBI.
A tactical team tries to kill XL T-Rex and - suprise!- they fail. "You got eyes on target?" one dude asks. "Light 'em up!" another dude says. I love action movies because they have the BEST dialogue. The team's helicopter falls from the sky and through the roof the park/dome/habitiat they are in. The big modified T-Rex bitch runs away from the explosion. We see lots of explosions. A bunch of Pterodactyls fly out of the now-busted hole in the roof.
I'ma go 'head and peace the fuck out, guys....
"Something's wrong," a guy with a sniper rifle tells Chris. "They're communicating!" We see the kids scream as the huge T-Rex-esque Bitch roars extremely loud. We see the kids hovering in fear.
"We're talking about an animal here," BDH tells Chris. Flash over to a scene where Chris is protecting the kids, sitting on the floor with them in the park's gift shop.
HAYYYYYYY :::breathes into your face.::: Sorry, forgot to brush my teeth.
That kid on the right is from INSIDIUS. He's always freaking the fuck out.
"...a HIGHLY INTELLIGENT animal," Chris says, finishing her sentence. He has to make that clear, because apparently she think's it'll be easy to kill it, and she hasn't heard about all of the other shit that has happened at this damn park. We see a bunch more destructive scenes. A raptor or something attacks and grabs (probably kills) one of the tactical guys.
I'll see you at the crossroads, dude. #OhManIMissMyUncleCharlesYall
Pterodactyls are now terrorizing the whole damn park. People are running around, going crazy like it's Black Friday at an Alabama Wal-Mart.
I just came here for that $150 discount on the XBOX One.
A Pterodactyl then swoops down and grabs a random girl. I'ts pretty hilarious. I really wanted to see it devour her right there, but I think Chris Pratt is going to save her. He's holding a gun and staring around. He can't really do shit at the moment, because if he opens fire, he might shoot a tourist, or hurt the girl, and that's a lawsuit he is trying best to avoid. If he shoots the Pterodactyl is has to be a PERFECT shot, so that the girl won't get hurt. OMG, do you think he's a good enough shot for that?!? Should he call Bradley Cooper?
HALYP!!!!!! HAAAAYYYYYLLLLLPPPP!! HAYLP!!
The trailer finally ends with a scary shot of the Megalodon jumping out of the water and eating a Pterodactyl. WHOA.
Better Ingredients. Better Pizza. Papa Johns.
So, what do you guys think? Did they give away too much of the story in this trailer? Does it look exciting and scary, or over-the-top and kind of ridiculous? Do you think Chris Pratt will save everyone with his team of raptors? Do you think Bryce Dallas Howard will ever NOT regret the fiasco that was "Lady in the Water?" Let us know!!
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