Freddy's Fant4stic BBQ May or May Not Give You the Runs
- Dolly Shartin
- Apr 20, 2015
- 6 min read
Remember those incredibly shitty "Fantastic Four" movies that came out a few years back with Jessica Alba in them?
Yeah...we tried to forget them, too. Marvel's newest reboot of the franchise released the trailer today for this summer's least anticipated superhero movie....and it looks significantly less shitty that the previous fucktastic flops. Hooray!
Watch it below and then let's break it all down together.
We start out with a great scenic shot of NYC. NYC is often underrepresented in comics and film.
NEW YORK CITY?!
Cut to a room full of stuffy old men in suits. "We gave you six years, and millions of dollars, and you didn't give us SHIT back!" one douchebag tells Reg E. Cathey, who plays Dr. Franklin Storm. Close up on Reg E.'s face. "WTF is different now?"
Frank Underwood is on vacation at the moment, so Freddy is now in charge..
"Well, my BBQ business may have failed, but I have.....Reed Richards!" Freddy explains. "He knows answers to questions we don't even know to ask yet."
Well damn, he must be REALLY wise and wonderful and FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC, I'm excited to see this guy!
FUCK. It's Miles Teller. You might know him as Bootleg Shia LeBouf.
Freddy continues talking in the voiceover. His voice sounds a lot like Morris Chestnut here. "This is our chance to learn more about our planet, and maybe even save it." I wasn't aware we were in any immediate danger, so I'm gonna assume he's talking about saving us from global warming there.
"I want you to meet my daughter, Sue," Dr. Storm says. He's switched it up from talking to the men in the boardroom/audience to Reed now. The camera pans to a close-up of Sue Storm, played by Kate Mara.
WE ARE MARSHALL, WE ARE MARSHALL!
Quick! Dispose of her...she knows too much.
We then see Zoe Barnes casually sitting in the library, being hipstery in her flannel shirt and Apple headphones. She asks Whiplash, "You wanna be famous?"
I can feel the sexual tension between your glasses and my MacBook Pro.
To which he replies, "Nah...I just want my work to make a difference." He's a such sweet guy, this Reed Richards.
Whiplash cares nothing for fame.
Next we see Reed introducing himself to Johnny Storm, Sue's brother from another mother (perhaps quite literally) which, of course, makes him also Dr. Storm's son. Close up on Johnny Storm.
I'm Michael B. Jordan. No Relation to Michael THE Jordan.
At this point in the trailer, "comic book purists" are flipping their shit because Johnny Storm is black, and they're trying really hard to wrap their heads around the possiblity of someone having kids that are two different skin tones.
"This guy doesn't take orders well," the guy who will later become DOOM says.
We get shown a couple of clips of Johnny getting too fast and too furious.
"Yeah, especially from guys who say I don't take orders well," he replies. BURNNNN! <-- See what I did there?
I'm so reckless, yeahhhh! :::sung in the style of Scott Stapp from Creed::::
Next we see Jamie Bell, who plays Ben Grimm.
"Dont let any of these 'LABCOATS' give you trouble," he tells Whiplash. Labcoats? I take a moment here to go make a sandwich with all the cheese in this dialogue.
That's Mrs. Evan Rachel Wood, to you.
"If they do, I know who to call," Reed replies. "THE MUSCLE."
I'm so badass, I vandalize my own property. Fuckin' "Clash for Clunkers" ruined my shop anyway. THANKS OBAMA!
The camera then shows the crew all working in the "office," and Sue tells Reed, "I gotta say, it's fun having you here!"
"Really?!?!" he asks, tail wagging.
"SIKKKKKKKKKE!" Sue retorts. Cole Word, son.
A bunch of older dudes in suits come in and tell the crew that "what they have created here is incredible."
Reed and Johnny try to fistbump, but Reed is supposedly too socially awkward to understand hand gestures that were once popular in 2008, yet are still being used in movies, so he just pats Johnny's hand instead.
Isn't it endearing how nerdy I am? Aren't I loveable?
The crew begins to suit up in some spacesuits. Johnny and Future Doom Guy are all rearin' to go. Ben cockily asks them "Are you sure you're in the best shape for this?" They all nod and Johnny struggles to adjust his rolling chair, but to his credit, those things are a bitch to adjust. "We're good!" Whiplash says.
Now shit gets futuristic. They all get into these chamber-technology-advanced-warfare-pods, and Freddy says, "They just cracked inter-dimensional travel." OH SHIT. Our crew apparently travels to another dimension and start exploring. "Incredible," Reed says.
This is where Obi-wan left Anakin to die.
But then, terrible things start to occur. The camera begins to cut to scary images quicker and quicker! Shit is hitting the fan!!! People are falling! The sky is falling! The world is burning!!! CHAOOOOOS!!!
All of this technology and they still can't create a pair of contact lenses to match my prescription!
"THIS SUMMER" pops up on the screen. We want to know what happened in that other dimension, dammit. "All I want to know is: Where are my children?" Freddy asks. Did they not just tell him they were traveling to another dimension?
I have no clue what the fuck just happened, and I'm supposed to be in charge of this place.
"Four have survived," someone explains to him. "All exhibit unique physical conditions." Now we get to see a couple quick shots of the crew figuring out they have crazy powers.
Reed has turned into Stretch Armstrong.
Will this make me cool, bro?! I wish I was cool.
When I inevitably broke, people figured out that there was just cornmeal inside my limbs.
Sue can turn invisible....but still be alive. This is different than the way Frank Underwood made Zoe Barnes invisible.
I can disappear- AND make my magical lacefronts vanish with me!
She can also can create force fields to protect herself from trailers, and any unemployed actors who dwell within them.
Stay Away, Pauly Shore!
Johnny is clearly in flames. He is the Human Torch. He burns but does not die from the flames.
Shit, now dad's gonna make me work the grill at the BBQ joint.
Last, and probably least, Ben has filled the role of Michael Chiklis. His body is made out of rocks and he is "The Thing."
Will you sympathize with me more now, since I'm not played by Vic Mackey?
Whiplash says that he just wants to fix his friends. "You can't fix this," someone tells him. No shit.
"We should use these powers to help people," Johnny says. I wonder who wrote this script again. "You opened a door you don't know how to close," someone says. "You don't know anything about what's coming."
Ancient Astronaut Theorists beleive that these statues were erected to give directions to incoming ships.
"What IS coming?" Reed asks.
"DOOOOOOOM," the unidentified person speaking replies.
DOOOM!!!
"If you want to stop it, it's going to take everything you have," Freddy says.
::::::Lots of dramatic fighting shots and angry superheroes go here.::::::
"This is too intense, guys! We need to end on a happy, light-hearted note, people...or kids will be too scared to go see this shit, and we all know the older generations have given up on this franchise, so we need them hustling their parents or else we will NOT turn a profit!" the producers said, as they reviewed this trailer.
A stealth aircraft flies across the screen. COOL BRO!
"How long until he's in?" a military guys asks Reed.
"Two minutes," he tells him.
We see Ben/The Thing drop into a city via aircraft and there is a Michael-Bay-Level Explosion.
EXPLOSIONS ON FLEEK!!!
"Might be a little less," Whiplash says. What a fucking 'SHIA-in-Transformers' thing to say.
Sue laughs.
Make sure you end on my smile. It'll stay in people's brains and make them forget all about that travesty from ten years ago.
THE END!!! What do you guys think? Are you excited for this reboot now? Or is Freddy's Fant4stic BBQ already giving you the runs? Are you holding your stomach and trying to hustle toward the bathroom? Or does it look finger-lickin' good? Let us know!!
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