Liar, Liar- Mance on Fire!

Sunday's Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 1 is HERE and it's QUEER, and while I won't discuss the LEAKS of the first four eps (EEEK! A LEAK!) I'ma just gonna pretend that they didn't happen, mmmk? I'll just post my reviews accordingly. :)

Let's have some fun with fungus, gurl.

We begin this season with the first ever flashback of the series! It's a young, spry Cersei, who is still rocking the resting bitchface that we know and love her for. Young Cersei and a friend are snooping around what appears to be King Koopa's lair, and I'm just waiting to find out that Tywin IS the fungus that is growing around them and that the fungus is secretly helpful.

Whutzza going on here?

Anyway, Cersei and her homegirl are actually visiting this swamp thang called Maggy the Frog. She's a fortune teller and she's supposed to be ugly and scary, but Cersei just calls her boring, because that's how boojy bitches like her roll. Maggy sucks some blood off of Cersei's finger (ummm) and then proceeds to tell her she can ask THREE questions, but that she already knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow, because she's British and shit, so don't ask that one.

Her first question is "When will I marry the Prince?"

Bootleg Rashida Jones tells Cersei that she won't marry him! (HA) but then says "SIKE! You'll marry the KING."

Cersei follows up with a "But, I will be queen, right, heffa?" and Maggy replies, "Ohhh YEAH," in her Kool-Aid man voice. "But only for a TIME: a younger, more beautiful queen will cast you down and take all you hold dear."

Our young Bitchlette actually looks worried now. "Will the King and I have any kids?" she asks. "Well," starts Maggz, "The King is gonna have 20 damn kids! He might get a reality show, even! Yo azz has three, tho." Cersei tells her that this doesn't make any sense, but Swamp Thang laughs and continues, saying that "Gold will be their crowns. Gold will be their shrouds."

Bascially, Maggy told Cersei that she will be replaced by another younger, hotter queen, and that her three kids will all be crowned at some point, but they were all gonna die, too. Yikes! No wonder Cersei is such a bitch. Book readers know that this scene differs in the book, but we won't get into all that here. Another blog, another time!

FLASH FORWARD! Present-Day Cersei is at Tywin's funeral, wearing what appears to be the same chunky statement piece necklace that she wore to Joffrey's wedding. This must be her go-to accessory. She passes Margaery, who silently judges her on this fashion faux-pas.

Ew. That necklace is so last winter. Glad my family has money so I can afford new shit.

Cersei makes everyone in the seven kingdoms wait on her while she goes to have a private conversation with her dead dad. She actually goes into the sept to chat with Jaime, where they have an entire conversation without ever looking at each other. She was probably worried that he would rape her next to a dead family member's body again, so I can't really blame her for not making eye contact. She tells him that he's a shitty Kingsgaurd, that it's his fault Tyrion escaped, and that he killed their father by accident. She convinces him to go get their daughter/Jaime's neice/Myrcella from Dorne in order to redeem himself.

I, uhhhh....I thought I might rape you again, but, the necklace is turning me off.

CUT SCENE! Tyrion is in a box. He pops out, and is at Illyrio Mopatis's fancy-ass crib. We haven't seen Illyrio since Season 1, but he's been pulling all kind of strings behind the scenes. (He's the one who sold Dany to Khal Drogo back in the day.) Illyrio and Varys have been secretly #TeamTarg all this time, and Varys, ever the patriot, tells Tyrion that he needs to get with the program because they all need to do what's best for the realm. He tells Tyrion that him and his crew have always saw Robert Baratheon for the "disaster he was." (I love the shade Varys throws!) Tyrion barfs.

Can you refill my Lil Jon pimp cup, please?

Now we arrive at Mereen, where a big-ass golden God statue thing is getting ripped down from the great pyramid. A knockoff Greyworm goes into a brothel just to be held, because, obviously, he doesn't have a peen and can't fuck. He gets his throat slit while being held (HARSH!) by a Son of the Harpy. The Harpies are a resistance group that hates that slavery is over. Dany meets with her council, and decides that she wants to bury the knockoff Greyworm with honors, even though it will piss off the Harpies. One of her council dudes is a former slave, who somehow got elevated to Head Ex-Slave, and now gives his opinion on crap.

Dany tells her crew to go find out who did this shit. Missandei asks Real Greyworm why the Unsullied Fake Greyworm who was killed even visited a brothel anyway. Greyworm just grunts and says he doesn't know. Greyworm is such a boring character.

In real life, I'm a rapper....I'm much more interesting outside of Westeros, Google me.

SET CHANGE! We are at the wall now, folks! Jon Snow is training Ollie, the kid who killed Ygritte. Sam and Gilly are being adorable as always. Melissandre tells Jon that Stannis needs to talk to him at the very top of the wall because Stannis is a badass, and that's where he likes to have conversations. She escorts him via elevator to the tip top, where she makes him feel her skin that's always hot with the Lord of Light's flames. She asks Jon if he's a virgin, and he says no. "Good," she smirks. We all know where this shit is heading.

"...but you gotta eat the booty like groceries."

They arrive at the top, where Stannis and my boo Davos are waiting on him. Stannis wants Jon to get the wildlings to fight for him. If they help him take Winterfell from Roose Bolton, he'll give them land and make them citizens. All he wants is for Mance Rayder to bend the knee, and Jon has to make this happen by tonight, or else Stannis is gonna burn Mance alive. WELL DAMN.

Fuck the Knight's Watch! I want those Wild Thangs.

Next, we go to Sansa and Pedofinger who are watching Robin Arryn try to learn how to fight. "He fights like a girl with Palsy," his new caretaker says. HA! Love it. Littlefinger gets a Raven and shoves it into his sleeve, kind of like the way that I shove money into my bra. He says that it's okay that Robin sucks at life, because he has a great name, and that's he really needs. "We 'bout to bounce," Littlefinger says, "but when I come back, I'm sure Robin will be a good fighter." New caretaker guy laughs. "BYE FELICIA!"

My minds tellin' me noooo! But my moustache, my moustache is tellin' me yessss!

Brienne and Poddrick happen to be nearby. Brienne is being even more emo than emo-scene Sansa with her black eyeliner. Sansa and Petyr are in a carriage chatting nearby. He tells Sansa that they are going somewhere far away where Cersei can't get her hands on her.

Back at King's Landing, Cersei's Uncle Kev is there. Her cousin Lancel, whom she banged in Season 1 and convinced to give wine to King Robert while he was boar hunting, is back! He's all buffed up now, and has no shoes, and only a robe. Uncle Kev tells her that he's a Sparrow now, AKA, the Westeros equilvalent of Westboro Baptist Church. Cersei talks with him privately, and he apologizes for leading her to tempations. She rolls her eyes and drinks some wine. She also pretends not to know about the whole Robert-drinking-maybe-poisoned-or-maybe-just-a-lot-of-wine-while-hunting thing.

No, they didn't recast me like they did The Mountain, Myrcella, Daario, etc....

NEXT! Loras is laying in bed naked with Olyvar, that guy who was banging Oberyn in the brothel last season. He apparently runs Littlefinger's brothels when he's away. I decide that I like him. The boys are about to get their freak on, but are interrupted by Marg. She looks annoyed and intrigued at the same time. Marg tells them that Loras is keeping the king waiting, and Olyvar better bounce because she's hangryyyy. He leaves, and she tells Loras that he needs to keep his buttsecks discreet. He tells her that he's out and he's proud! There's no point keeping secrets in King's Landing, because Gossip Girl will text everyone about it. Loras also tells her that he's not marrying Cersei since Tywin kicked the bucket, and now Cersei is gonna be stuck in King's Landing with Margaery. "Perhaps," she replies.

This the kind of song that makes a man love a man, makes a man love a man....

Back at Illyrio's casa. Tyrion is still feeling sorry for himself. Varys tells him that he's a man of talent and that he needs to help another climb the ladder to the throne. The realm needs someone who is gentler than Stannis, but stronger than Tommen. "Good luck finding him," Tyrion says. "Who said anything about HIM?" Varys replies. OHHH SNAPZ! He reveals that he's Team Dany, and convinces Tyrion to come meet her and join his squad.

I could totally be KINGPIN from Daredevil, except I'm way more sarcastic, and an expert at SHADE.

Back in Mereen, Halzar Van De Slut wants Dany to reopen the fighting pits because it's a tradition and it will make Roy Jones Junior happy. She says no. She goes and fucks Daario, and we get to see his ass. DAT AZZ! He tells her that she SHOULD open the fighting pits, because he's about that Russell Crowe Gladiator life! It got him to where he is today. He also tells her that the Unsullied aint nothing special, but her dragons sure are. If she's a mother of dragons and she ain't got no dragons, then she's about as useful as Greyworm's grey worm.

If I talk to you with my Forrest Whitaker eye, maybe you'll see how bad you need this COCK... fighting.

Dany knows that Drogon is flying all over the place and killing children, so decides to go check on Rhaegal and Viseryon, who she has locked up in a cave. They aren't happy. At all. Dany leaves.

FUCKKKK YOUUUU MOM!!!!!

Back at the wall, Jon goes to try and convince Mance to side with Stannis the Mannis, so he won't have to die. Mance refuses to bend the knee and suck the D. Jon tells him that his pride shouldn't outweigh the lives of his people, and Mance literally says "Fuck my pride!" He doesn't want to betray everything he believes in, it's not about pride. He asks Jon how Stannis plans to kill him, and when Jon says he's gonna be burned alive, Mance flinches. "I'll be honest, I don't want to die. That's a bad way to go." He doesn't want his people to remember him goin' out like that. But, all he ever wanted is the freedom to make his own mistakes. This man hates ultimatums.

I'm still alive in the books, soooo.....can I live??! Let me live, damn.

Mance gets brought before Stannis. The tension is now extremely high, and I'm about to have a heart attack myself. Stannis gives him one more chance to bend the knee, but he won't. He wishes Stannis good fortune in the war to come. They tie him up, and Mel lights the flames. She tells everyone to behold what happens to those who don't bow before Stannis and the Lord of Light. Mance is starting to burn up. He's moaning. It's terrible to watch. All of the peoeple we still care about in this show are FREAKING out.

Gilly buries her face in Sam's cloak.

Tormund looks like he's about to animorph into one of the bears he likes to fuck.

Selyse, Stannis' wife, is looking super creepy, as she enjoys this shit wayyy too much. Shireen closes her eyes.

Jon can't even bear to watch, so he gets up. Everyone wonders where he went. Mance is still moaning....

But our bastard hero Jon comes back and shoots Mance straight in the chest with an arrow.

Mad props and major respect to Jon Snow for this. Mance doesn't have to suffer anymore, and his people don't have to remember him die a terrible death. Jon's mercy is wonderful, and I'm so happy we are spared seeing Mance burn up.

REST IN PEACE, Mance Rayder, the King Beyond the Wall.

So, how did you feel about this epsiode? Were you shocked Mance died, seeing as how he lives in the books? Are you Team Dany, Team Stannis, or Team Tommen? Did your eyes look like Dead Tywin's the entire episode? Because mine sure did! Join us next week for the season 5, ep 2 recap, as we see how Stannis deals with Jon's mercy killing, and how Varys' sass game becomes uber on fleek.

OH DAYUM! See you next week!

#GameofThrones #GOT #ManceRayder #Season5 #Episode1 #Cersei #Lancel #Lannister #Stark #Sansa #Littlefinger #JonSnow #Melissandre #Stannis #Davos #Loras #Margaery #Tyrell #Olyvar #SonsoftheHarpy #Greyworm #Dany #MotherofDragons #Targaryen #Daenerys #Spoilers #MaggytheFrog #Tywin #Jaime #Tyrion #Varys #Spider #Daario #Missandei